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Monday, February 14, 2005

For the Love of Shoes

That is the only love I have mastered...the love of shoes. Real love for me has always been elusive, fleeting and something most longed for. This valentines day I find myself as I have spent the majority of them..with just my shoes about me.

Valentines day comes and I spent the day eyeing the roses of others, smelling the roses of others and just wishing that someone would for once send me some roses. Most of the time when this day comes I am miserable. It makes me feel like I am missing out.



In past years I have tried to make up for it. For about 3 years in my mid to late 20's I had the "boyfriend in a box kit." It worked well. I created a 3 year romance with my boyfriend in a box. I spun a great elaborate web about how great out relationship was. Long distance but great. I sent flowers to myself for Valenties day and on birthday's. We took trips together. He was the boyfriend who treated me the best. I got lots of great gifts from him. He sent me nice jewelry. I was not the only one using boyfriend in a box. It was me and one of my closest friends. She got one too and we both have a great boyfriend for about 3 years. When everyone wanted to FINALLY meet him, I realized I had to begin to create some conflict and we eventually broke up. Really...how do you introduce friends and family to someone who is just really just a cardboard picture? The idea of boyfriend in a box was nice while it lasted. 3 years is a long time to have an imaginary boyfriend. I had Al as my boyfriend.


Boyfriend In A Box' kit. It included your choice of detailed bios, a large photo (suitable for framing of course), a wallet size pic, a handful of individual phone messages from "him", plus a few other bit and pieces. In other words, just enough physical evidence to put a lid on those embarrassing family holiday dinner table moments.

After boyfriend in a box was moved to the lowest drawer of my nightstand next to my bed, misery set in again everytime Valentines day came around. I continued to covert my neighbors flowers and candy longing for my own. Then I decided to buy my own. This time I would send them to myself from me. No name on the card but they were from someone special. I am special. I was guilt free as to the lying about the cardboard boyfriend. Or I would say a friend of my sent them to me. Even thought I would send flowers to myself, it helped while I was at work but not so much at home. It would satisfyu the nosey busy bodies that tinker did have someone who cared for her enought to remember her for V-DAY. So I would to home and try not to think about being all alone.

I had heard all the plans of my coworkers for their special romantic dates with boyfriends and husbands...hotel rooms, pretending not to know each other and picking up each other like they were strangers in a bar, dinners that ended with the wife leaving the table first and having the waiter present the husband with a key to a hotel room upstaris...you know all those things I have not really had the opportunity to do.

So , then I decided not to mope...no matter what I would treat myself to a nice dinner at home, a nice wine and look at my flowers that I had sent myself. I know all about do it yourself but this is just plain old ridiculous! Will the stars ever give a girl a break??? Cupid where are you? Are you on strike? I have my shirt wide open with chest exposed, just waiting on the arrow.

Well, then I took a break and did not send any flowers to myself for about 8 years. I just grinned and beared it until one day about 7 years ago one of my co-workers asked what I was doing for V-Day. I told her nothing. I was working. Her response....that is so sad that you have to work on Valentines Day. I could read between the lines. I was crushed. I can hear her words right now like it was yesterday.




A little while ago (6 years ago) I much like Whitney Houston in Waiting to Exhale...down with OPP. Did you all see that movie? Her relationship? (That is over. We all make mistakes.) I am not proud but where are the men? The good ones are all married and the single ones have some serious issues or baggage. I was at a cross roads then. That did not help me either. They can't be with you on special days. They have to be with the one they are supposedly with to keep up appearances. I got gifts, flowers but noone to spend that special day with.

Now, like today, I am doing better. It is still a tough day but I realize that happiness on that one day is not the end all. Happiness needs to come eveyday. Today I still envied the roses of all my coworkers but I still have people who love me in my life..dirty Fila and my parents. I just hope that one day true love will come before I get too old to enjoy it. They say it will come when you least expect it. All I can say is that time must be soon as I gave up quite some years ago.

I was talking to one of my girlfriends this past weekend and she believes something I had not heard before...EVER. She believes that there is someone out there for us...not just one person but two. There are 2 true loves for each of us out there according to her. I wonder if I am living in the right country?! (LOL!) I hope that I am to meet then soon before I get too old to enjoy love. I would have to be 80 and just meeting the love of my life.

So here I am, alone on Valentines Day, blogging and enjoying the one treat I bought for myself today...not flowers this year, but a little of the bubbly...champagne. I plan to go to bed in a little while with the things I love most around me. Shoes! I plan to go to the closet, get out about 30 pairs of shoes and arrange them on the bed around me in a circle. I will be in the middle of the circle in a satin gown. If there are not men smelling of good aftershave around , well then, go to the shoes. I can be surrounded by shoes, things that I love, and fall asleep to the smell of good leather.

AAAHH! For the love of shoes! Happy Valentines Day to everyone! I know that yours will be or was far better than mine. Please put in a good word for me with Cupid...okay? Next year awaits!


What I do is kick them in the pants with a diamond buckled shoe!
~~Aileen Mehle~~

4 Broken Heels:

Nzyme said...

Tinker,
This is the 7th year that someone has contacted me, set up a tentative "date," then STOOD ME UP!! Check out this post on a girl named lucee's site. Next V-Day, I'll be packin'!!

Tinker said...

On no! That is terrible. Did you go out anyway and do something just for you? I checked out that picture. that is funny!

Joann said...

The only reason I have my husband is because I went after him. He was so shy. Some of the good ones just need a little help. He gave me a card.See it on my blog. A funny one. We both worked that night, driving others to their nights of fun and love.

Laniza said...

Thank you for writing about this ((hugs)). You better invite me to the wedding when you DO find your true love :).