The Fake Jamaican

The Fake Jamaican

I met a girl who works in another division today and all I can say is DRAMA queen! Oh my God! She was totally unprofessional and just plain old ghetto. Let’s take a closer look at those fake Jamaican shoes.

Okay.
I arrived at the office first and was sitting at my computer. Her clothing was fine but she had the 2 tone brown and auburn weave, curls, heavy make up and 3 inch nails. Let’s start with the hair. That was a bad weave. It was very shiny and curly and looked totally unnatural. She was very proud of her hair. Not knowing her at all and meeting her for the first time, she began to tell me how she loved her hair and with her new “do” she gets lots of stares. She told me she went to the mall last night and a woman kept staring at her and just kept staring. Finally she said she said hello to the woman and the woman told her she looked just like Whitney Houston.

The way she said it she really believed in her heart of heart that she looked like Whitney Houston. Well, I have the inane ability to sense “psycho” in people and I could hear the music from the knife scene already in my head. She did not know me from ADAM so she had no idea I was not a fan of Whitney Houston.

After telling me what the woman said she just smiled at me and shook her head like she was shaking it yes, like I was to agree. I just looked. The Fake Jamaican then said that she did not know if that was a compliment or an insult.

Bells went off and whistles too. I jumped in and told her that it was clearly an insult for anyone to say she looked like Whitney Houston. I told her that I say that because Whitney and low class, ignorant and quite ghetto. The Fake Jamaican looked at me. I then proceeded to tell her why… that Whitney cannot put a noun and a verb together to make a complete sentence. I had heard her on several TV interviews at the start of her career and she was an embarrassment to herself. It was clear that English was a second language to her.

How was that for nipping that in the bud? The Fake Jamaican never mentioned that to me again. I did hear her over and over telling the same things to others in the office and some did agree that she looked like Whitney. Wannabee!

Let’s go to the make up. The days of black woman wearing black eye liner as lip liner is over. WAY OVER! But there she was sitting at the desk every morning and after lunch drawing a thick black line around her mouth with black liner and then filling in her lips with a frosted bronze lipstick. It looked awful. Then she had the audacity to tell me that she knows she looks 25 cause she tries to keep her stuff together. She is in her 40’s, has 3 kids, 20, 14 and 15. She does not look in any way shape or form like 25. 25 left her years ago. Wearing ghetto fab clothing inappropriate for your age does not make her look 25. Not all the Baby Phat in the world will do that!

The nails. Clearly so long that it was hard to type. 3 inches. Fake. You know..hair and nails did.

Every conversation was all about her. By the 2^nd day we were all sick of her. Sick of the fake airs and the lies. Some of the things she was saying were clearly made up. Totally unbelievable.

The fake Jamaican. That relates to her accent. She has affected some very weird accent that she takes in, in an attempt to speak proper. She thinks it sounds good, like she has some “edgemucation” but it does not. It was a point of conversation behind her back... not from me... but others. Why was she taking with that accent? Some sort of Jamaican accent. She is from a small town in the south in South Carolina and I know there are some dialects and things there, but this was not like anything even remotely like a sea island dialect. It was a made up accent that she now talks in trying to sound educated.

She is a woman with issues…personal and with her own self esteem. I wonder what the real girl/woman is like under all of that fake hair, fake age, fake accent and fake drama. The other managers who have worked with her this week had finally seen the light. She was on loan to our office but she will not be coming back. Not only was all her personal drama spilling over into everything, she tried to cause drama with one of the other girls here who was trying to help her with a difficult customer. Clearly she was in trouble with the customer in handling her problem. Someone here tried to jump in to help her regain control and she got mad at that person. She snapped that she was being distracted and that she knew how to handle her business….all in front of the customer.

That will be that last our office will see of The Fake Jamaican. Thank god because it was not ‘ hey mon, don’t worry, no problem’. Instead it was all problems. I hope that she will work out her own self esteem issues one day for her own sake. She has some serious pit falls ahead of her. The bad thing is she can’t see it right now so she will be taking the hard road in life.

What I do is kick them in the pants with a diamond buckled shoe!
~~Aileen Mehle~~